he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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