I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
