dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
