A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
