i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You can't motorboat a personality
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
