You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
