I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
