i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
