I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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