Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
