Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
