Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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