Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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