so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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