Tell her she can't have a vagina
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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