I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
