is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
