So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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