I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
