My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
