Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
