Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
