I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
