and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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