omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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