But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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