I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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