he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Who died my cat blue again?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
