your parents love me but you hate me
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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