Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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