Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
