I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
