Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's shark week go big or go home
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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