Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
