Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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