1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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