I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
