I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
