Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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