Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
