Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
