I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
