I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
