Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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