we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
