I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Is it penis luge time yet?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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