The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
