How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
