so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
