True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
